day 36

now THIS is more like it!!! Nice and cool(er) this am. Still worked up a sweat, summer's not over yet, but I'll take this anytime.

Did Kissena, needed a longer run, so got my 10 in. Manana the track, so it balances out.

This week starts single parenting, again. Next week school starts so it should be a bit more manageable. Now that he's back from his brotherfromanothermother's, gotta start laying the groundwork for the school year. THIS is where you wish you had a partner, but it is what it is. At least I won't be coping with internal sabotage.

day 35

really had a good time yesterday. For 3 hours I hadn't a care in the world-my only problem was me-fighting the urge to sleaze out. But our table was such a blast, I found myself there for the entire happening. AND, got to talk with Len. Turns out, he's divorced, agrees cheapertokeepher-if you can stand it. He's of the school of thought that peace has no price. I, however, can't leave Keith alone, as he would be because you KNOW It'd get custody. Female always does.

St.Francis this am. Few peeps there, many went to Mel's service. Enough religion to last a few years already, we were well represented. Saw Chris. Join the fucking club already!!! Jeeeeez! Do they even show up for that thursday "group run???"

Saw Taking Woodstock. Really good. Reminded me of when life was easy, hope Keith enjoys it while he can. Was really lucky to have grown up in the 60's. We really DID think anything was possible. It is, but now we know how tough it can be.

(STILL can't believe I PR'd thurs night.)

difficult difficult, lemon difficult.......

day34

nice!!!

Woke up, rain ughhhhh. But...hold out hope. Went to the Y, did the spin class. It was slated to go off @ 7:30, didn't start 'til 8. Went 45 minutes, so I got MORE than a workout. The AP peeps, actually ran-n' I thought I was bad. These peeps be loco-even by MY standards. I'll do a race if preregged, but not training in rain.

THEN, off to The Wedding. Bless their little love filled hearts. Had a hard time finding the church, if I'd known it was right off Union, wouldn't've been a prob. Funny, again, running into former peeps. I knew the Priest very well-kind'a like @ Ken's mom's funeral. Gotta stop going to these things. WAS nice to speak with him though-and no, he didn't recognize me.

Beautiful ceremony, reminded me of what love is like. Then, off to the reception. Again, a trip down memory lane-the Laguardia Marriot. Wow. No escaping the past, wouldn't EVER want to. Was seated @ the right table, had a blast, stayed for the whole thing. The food was even delish!!! Bless you guys, hope your shared life mirrors the festivity of this day. Despite the rain, it was WONDERFUL.

How ironic that Mel Kaplan died. Yin and Yang.

We truly have a great bunch of folks, the love is ever present. You should'a seen these people-the newly married couple as well as the peeps @ our table.

day 33

WOW!!! What a difference a day makes. Actually got one over on our webmaster-found a race on NO ONE'S calendar, Urban Athletics was putting on a 5k on 103rd n' Riverside. Why does that ring a bell? It's where Nike had a training run waaaaaay back when we were a cohesive group, @ the Hudson Cafe. Niiiiice location, flat, a 5k. What also made it significant, I took the day off the day before to see if it would affect my time-of course it did, came in @ a sub 8. Yes, a sub 8, 7:39 pace. I was as amazed as anyone-but I hadn't done St.Francis since Monday. Had some...what's that word...ah yes, REST. But, it WAS an amazing field, when you run with peeps like that, it raises the bar. In my age group, the top ten paces ranged from 4:38 to the tenth place guy with 5:33 (tenth place @ 5:33????). Wow. Urban Athletics draws a FAST crowd. I was next to last in my age group. One third from the back of the pack. WOW. But, for me, a pr. YAY!!!!! 7:39, didn't know I could move that fast. Thanks coach!!!

Spent the night in Manhattan, saw In The Loop, great movie, came highly recommended.

This weekend, rain, then rain, then...more rain. Good thing there's no races.

...difficult, difficult, lemon difficult.

day 32

so, que paso ayer? nada. Too many choices, hate that. Went back to Toxichouse, intending to spend time with Keith. THAT was the plan-yesterday was, after all, his orientation for High School-a big day. Unfortunately, It was there. Gave me the rant about Keith wanting to go to private school (he doesn't), how I make $90,000 (I don't), basically raging yet again. I asked Keith, he could give less than a shit about where he goes to school-also-I told him if he wanted it, I'd enroll him, but he needed better study habits........bottom line, it was Its attempt to continue Its bitch legacy. Nice way to live. Ms.12 step program/religion teacher. Whining about washing dishes (only Its are in the sink) and shopping (no food for 3 weeks,) ultimately, throwing in "my doctor says I need a stress free environment"-ironic n'est pas? What is the source of all stress here? When It's out, peace reigns.

Tonight, Central Park, staying in Manhattan tonight 'til manana. Mini vaca. Best of all, It has no idea. Good.

Glad I took the night off, not because of Incredibleangrycrazyfullblownbatshitcheapertokeepherwhyisn'thomicidelegalforsomecasesbitch, but to have discussed school with Keith. You KNOW I'll never get the full story from It. Icing on the cake, by 7 pm, both of them had gone-It drove him to his brotherfromanothermother's for a few days of last gasp of summer mischief, and It to do Its laundry. And when did class @ the Y start? When was the last LIRRC race of summer, @ exactly that moment. People really don't realize what you sacrifice for their sake, and Keith shouldn't, but one day I hope he does. Make myself come to Toxichouse to endure abuse, in order to have the opportunity to parent him. Hopefully he'll be there for his kids-adopted of course, if he marries I'll kill him.

...and I can still hear her complain.................

day 31

track work yesterday, almost missed it!

Went to AP per the plan, the track was being redone, so coach said be @ AP. The appointed hour arrives, only 2 of us there, called Ken, who called Joe, who relayed that they were @ the track. So much for the plan. We ARE Alley Pond after all. So, the two of us shlepped down Springfield blvd to QCC, 15 mins late, Rob and Peter were doing their first set. We caught up eventually, though @ the end, coach said we owed him 2 laps STILL (making up for what we walked into Rob and Peter completing when we arrived late). Dayum. Legs were rubber. That was the bad news, good news (that's my story and I'm sticking to it!!!) is coach said my times were almost exactly the same. Hey, I suck...consistently.

Finding it tough to stay motivated, yet press on. More news, It reenters hospital tues for 3 more days of chemo, then about a week later, 4 weeks in hospital. Starting to get that "weight of the world on my shoulders" feeling. As though working wasn't enough, I'm really single parenting. This is getting rough.

Decisions...decisions...no core training for 2 weeks, a good thing. You do the same shit week after week, you hit the wall. So, either do the last LIRRC tonight (end of summer Wednesday series), or do the boot camp class, or run @ crack of dawn. Too many options, this is getting like the LI Marathon and it's bloody choices. Prob wait 'til later and decide @ work. Save the knee for tonight-stiull sore from the track. I swear, running a marathon is easier than track work. My only gauge there is staying between rob and Peter, in front, and Lori behind me.

day 30

ok kiddies, it's been a month. STILL resisting the impulse to leap from a tall building or somehow escape the wackness of this scene. Not bad so far.

Woke up this am, later than usual, no morning run-track work tonight, so extra 1 1/2 hrs sleep. Out of bed @ 4:30, Keith STILL awake. JEEEEEEEEZ. Does It do anything????? It sleeping next to him as he watches Adult Swim (really great tv, but can't let him know that). I order him to sleep, It awakens to use the bathroom. You haven't lived until you've ordered your offspring to sleep while his mother does nothing, his mother thereafter stirring from Its sleep with razor stubble on Its head. You love the person you married, but she left 7 years ago. After all the screaming, the cursing, the verbal abuse, the destruction of my reputation, this ia a disease, no longer a human. Sucks, but it is what it is. If you've seen dawn of the dead you know what I live with. It REALLY sucks and takes all I got to return back to the address every day. Keith makes it worth it. Again, though, I gotta wonder, there'd BETTER be a heaven 'cause I did my time.

Times like this I think about the selfish who think about "what about me?" When you look at your son, that question is answered.

Hockey last night kicked ass. You know you needed it when you're playing with your buds, and you STILL amass the most penalty minutes. hee heeeeeeee!!!!!

Saturday: Rob n' Helen's wedding. Dreading it. Can't take whom I wanted to, so flying solo. Dayum. Gonna take all I got to stay. (place your bets re: when I sleaze out).

day 29

St.Francis this am. Not too bad. Again, no shirt weather, but not AS humid as it had been. Tolerable. You know it isn't THAT bad when your shorts aren't soaked.

Tonight, hockey night!!! Yay!!!!! Very early birthday gift from 'da boyz. Niiice. Eat steak, then break heads.

Thursday n' Fri off, staying in nyc, race thursday night, then dinner out. Really convinced the best thing It ever did was lose Its mind. Reinforced everything I know re: being good to myself. No one else is here to, so gotta d.i.y.

Really loved Saturday, sticks in my mind, can't lose the anger there. Keith spent a weekend @ his brotherfromanothermother. OK, so far so good. Prob: he left a video game there. Mother of brotherfromanothermother is a bitzy ditch. A REAL hard working maternal type, but ditzy as hell. So, when Keith tried telling her where it was, forget it. It proved useless, wouldn't drive Keith over. Was one of those "ask Daddy..." Like, now this too is my job: rescue/enable/clean up. So like an ass, I drove him. Guess what? It was nowhere to be found. Why even mention it? I can take rides to nowhere, but ask for little things like, ummmm...what's the word....grocery shopping? How totally ridiculous??????? It can drive 45 minutes to Islip to tend to a sick groupie, but shop for Its family? Drive a few miles to pick up Its son's belongings??? Amazing. SOME people take pride in what they do for their "family." Every time the mortgage gets paid, I feel a sense of accomplishment. But, that's just me apparently.

day 28

so, here's the deal: once upon a time, get asked to leave a list of what's needed, you call it a "shopping/grocery list." Today, the attempt is made to make this my responsibility. No. This is what Social Security pays disability for-It supposedly purchases groceries for Toxichouse. So, no shopping for 3, yes, 3 weeks. It's answer? Go get Chinese food-none of which I can eat (shrimp). This translates to I've been feeding myself for 3 weeks. Some fun. Keith has no problem with it, he loves junk food. Joy joy.

Fun this am, the NYRR had its first Triathlon. So, with the 9 + 1 thing, made this my volunteer op. Really a good time. First, did chip/shirt distribution, then, course marshall. You really get to give back all you've gotten from encouraging peeps along the course.

THAT was the good news. Bad news: Fucking Vince wearing a Quantum shirt. Whatthefuck is with this guy???? Mr "I can tell everyone a better way to do whatever they're doing" yet, does he ever wear the colors??? Fucking know it all. Not cool at all. When I was speaking with him I made it a point to cover the words on his shirt.

The rain held off 'til it was time to leave, thank G.

Headed over to The Parkhouse-it WAS 9:15 after all-the Tri started @ 7, no familiar peeps. Oh well.

Got the volunteer credit, a way cool shirt, and great memories (though, HOW people race in folding bikes I'll never know).

Reinforced my respect for the NYRR. Lots of peeps have a bone to pick with them, I'll never understand why. The NYRR do not put a gun to anyone's head-you disapprove, don't participate. I liked hangin' with the peeps I always see @ bib pickup, and who always wanna strike up a convo, but are put off by the wall I have. Great bunch of people who could have just as well stayed in bed on a Sunday morning. Props to them all. Thet are there to see it succeed. These were the same peeps who were there for the 5k yesterday, again, one day in Harlem, the next in Flushing Meadows. They needn't have put themselves out, but they did. Wish the local clubs had the same frame of mind, but no, all they care about is their private agendas-which is why they wither while other grows. Props to NYRR.

And, as always, GREAT to be in one of my growing up haunts, Flushing Meadows. Really reliving memories there. Mom never did the easier way, always did the right thing. Sundays were for Church and Sunday dinner, not Chinese food. Thanks mom. Always made time to expose us to new things, never ditched us to attend to her narcissistic agenda. More hair coloring please, Lymphoma wasn't enough the first go 'round!


...you know it's sad but true!!!

day 27

you haven't lived until your ex asks if It can borrow your clippers to shave Its head. Ahhh, the joy of chemo. (and yes, how ironic that the years of hair coloring, to make Itself a bottle blonde, had not only been wasted, but proven contributors to Lymphoma). Got that wonderful 60lb. Sinead O'Connor look.

Did the Harlem 5k today. HOTTTTT, HUMIDDDDD, too many shmucks in front. Came in sub 9, but could'a taken 20 secs off my time easily if people with no business ahead weren't ahead. But nontheless, fun. Pouring rain from the moment I left Toxichouse, but when race time started, dry. ALMOST turned around n' went to Alley Pond-parking was like the Bronx, but finally found a spot 7 blocks from the start.

Really took me back top the MATC days working on Ward's Island, taking 3 trains + 2 busses to get there. Harlem really hasn't changed. They try, but it's really a write off.

***The movie, 10 out of 10. God bless Quentin Tarantino. 2hrs 33 mins flew.

day 26

St.Francis this am. HUMIDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD. Shorts, no shirt. Would'a run sans shorts but by the time I finish the sun has risen. Dayum it be hot kiddies!!!!!
Sticky too. Thank G manana is only a 5k.

Down side is, rain predicted. Hell with it, we're on!!!!

It @ Toxichouse, thank G again for saving me the trouble of visiting. Good.

Tonight, Inglorious Basterds. Psyched. Gonna take Keith to see some blood n' guts. We LOVE Tarantino flicks!

day25

good news: core training went well, unfortunately no class for 2 weeks, have to do boot camp-ab work contained therein. Meets same day, prob is the time. 2 1/2 hours bwteeen c.o.b. and class. HATE that in between time.

St.Francis this am, knees holding up. With the half on Sun, averaging 6.5 daily. Good. Nice base there.

Lovely night @ home. Now think about it: the a/c has NOT been turned on-we use a window fan and by evening it's cool. So, outside humid as shit, inside, no yelling, no screaming, niiiiiice.

Bad news: It may be discharged today. Peace over. If not, I gotta take Keith to see It. Damn. One hour of my life I'll never get back.


***Breaking news: left work after noon, came home, It's getting discharged today. Its friend is driving it home. Good.

****More breaking news: I sucked @ the NYC Half, it's official. Could've SWORN I ran well. I know I ran consistently, but ended up WORSE than last year. I really DID come in @ 2:12. DAMN!!! Elik sent me the pics, you see my gun time on the clock as I cross the finish. SHIT. I was a full minute per mile off what I should'a done. N' none of that bullshit about the heat-this is what I usually run in. Shitshitshit.

day 24

used the Brooks Beast w/New Balance inserts for St.Francis this am. Knees ok. Usually, the am after track work I'm dead, but this was awright. Might half to go 1/2size lower (went with a 12, due to inserts), or lace 'em tighter. No blisters, little knee pain. Humid as a mofo though, shorts, no shirt.

GREAT night with Keith last night. Really allowed me to again experience the fulfillment of hangin' with something that came outta you. What a great kid. The bad news: he woke up alone. It left for the hospital, no goodbye, no nuthin'. And you're tempted to think I'm cold about this? No way. Pure, total, self-centered, narcissistic, self-portrayed victim who revels in her self designated victim status and couldn't give a shit about her child. Talks a good talk, that's it. And the fridge? Empty. If you were going in hospital you'd cook for 3 days, label everything, and leave a stock of what's needed. ESPECIALLY if you receive government funds to do so.

Tonight, core training, need it badly. Besides running, the down side of hangin' with Gilligan is I really don't have a second to myself. At least I get 1/2 hour me time. Cheaper than valium.

day 23

the good news: adjusting to the 1/2 medal, a manhole really IS typical NYC, but it IS butt ugly.

other news: It working last night, comes home, more rage. Getting used to being awoken @ 11pm+. Now I'm an a__hole. Why? It moved part of Its pile onto Keith's bed. Oh noooo, I moved it back to the pile. It has to learn It can't spread filth everywhere.

You know when you come home and heave a contented sigh, after a day working, content that you've reached your safety zone? I don't have that. Only an all encompassing sense of dread, i.e. "what's gonna hit the fan today?" Or "when will I be awoken?" Really sucks. But, Keith is there. Can't ditch my blood. Only peace is when running/hangin' with the peeps.

Speaking of It, did you watch A n' E last night @ 10pm? Google it. It looks like Toxichouse.

Hockey guys called, lent their support. Nice. Between Pret, T.G., Tom, the AP peeps and my mates up above, I'm covered.

As the days increase, the situation WILL get uglier. We learned that last time didn't we? Thank God Keith knows It's full blown bat shit nuts. When he needs a dose of parent he hits me up. Thanks G!

Amazing how you bite the hand that feeds you. Think about it. It has amassed thousands of dollars in debt-one credit card is $6,000+, all together It owes about $10,000. How? It had this great idea of switching cards-you know: "0% financing for 6 months, then WHAM!" Since It lacks the discipline to budget, Its debt grew (remember the Christmas of everyone getting too much???). No insurance, no nothing. Only my benefits. If I were Satan, I'd cut It out of the coverage. And don't think I don't want to. Prob is, if I did, Keith would be cut out as well. So I'm stuck. And, my peeps who tell me to walk away, what would HE do for coverage then. Waitresses don't have a really good health plan, unless you consider nothing a good plan.

Thank G, track work tonight.

***This just in:

Track work: OUCH!!!!! REALLY humid and hottttttt. But, we did it!!! Felt great (when we were done)

Now, the news: guess why I was an a__hole last night? Take a second, I'll wait (insert theme from Jeopardy here). Times up. Did you win? Answer: It's in the hospital again!!! Oh happy day! Both Keith and I were elated. Sad to say, but we're happy. The house is peaceful, notice, didn't say "Toxichouse," as the toxicity isn't present. For the next 3 days, life IS good. The only down side: It didn't tell me It was going in hospital, so I'm guilty as hell that I gotta work and leave Keith unattended, but he knows I'm a call away.

God is good.

...I used to love her, but I had to kill her...I had to put her six feet under, and I can still hear her complain.....

day 22

p.s. what fueled It's rage yesterday? In order to attempt to reset the circuit breaker in Toxichouse, one needs access to the basement. This was rendered impossible due to piles of crap It is incapable of putting away, rather, spreading all over the house (see examples of Keith's room and the corner of the bedroom below, remember? Imagine a similar pile blocking basement access). I moved some of this crap. I was awoken from a sound sleep @ 11:20 pm to be screamed at, that I shouldn't touch It's "stuff, thereafter, it threw the laptop to the ground as well as the guitar. THEN, took it's rage routine to the den, to hurl microphones and assorted equipment to the ground. Yes, kiddies, I brought Keith over to witness the destruction.

The good news? Guess what came in the mail? The Marathon packet!!!! Yay!!!!!

day21

nyc half today.

Got up, 3 am, no coffeee, no nuttin, just get out. Stop @ 7-11 for coffee, on the road by 3:45, parked @ 96th n' fifth @ 4:30. Perfect. Nap time. Woke up @ 5:45am, in time to set up, last minute prerace shit, by that time, 6:15. Temps warm. @ least no rain.

Lined up, next to last corral. Lovely. AND bib was, again, shit brown. Lovelier still. Felt a cold finger on my shoulder blade-Pesa. Nice to see a fellow Wearer of the Green. Damn cold fingers, wow.

Made it through Central Park ok, felt good, tough to avoid the split clocks and hoses-hate running soaked, but made it out. Then Carnegie Hall-never gets old. Lots of cheers for the AP singlet. Odd, they ran out of water very early on within the park-Gatorade as well.

Mamma Mia playing @ Times Square giant live karaoke-just missed (I'm gonna walk) 500 Miles-Pesa caught that. Actually ran down that avenue backwards-what a howl. Remembered they had Power Gels @ mile 9. Nice.

Then to the West Side highway-only 4 miles to go. Passed Warren Drezen-asked if he was doing the cookie run, Wendy was working the last water stop. Odd, once you left Central Park, plenty of O2 and Gatorade. The park itself wasn't well prepared.

Through the chutes to the finish. Alot like The Marathon, lots of human gridlock, but wonderful. AND yes, Virginia, a medal.

Hooked up w/DP @ baggage, she was waiting for her peep so we hung for a bit. She did very well, I sucked, but not so bad. Slower than last year-just over a 10min pace-SHIT!!! For the Ap peeps I was in the middle. Elik, Deb, Me, Nella, and Ira. My usual mid pack, but PISSED. By the clock (net) I really came in @ 2:02, but they had me as gross 2:23, net 2:12. WRONG. But, fuckit, I'm thrilled to have done it and don't feel too too bad.

Caught "It Might Get Loud" on the way back @ the AMC Times Square. When passing it during the race I was tempted to veer over and check showtimes, but alas, no.

All the memories came flooding back, Port Authority to take the bus to High School, my mom busting her balls without a car to be there for me, Times Square in the funky 70's-the cheap drugs, cheaper hookers and diseases I somehow managed not to get (without rubbers no less!!!), all the booze, all the post-sobriety dinners/concerts/races. Wow. Really a snapshot of life.

You really can't get the flavor of NYC unless you've run it. Nowhere else could a run like this feel so epic. Reinforces the notion of "NY and everywhere else." REALLY cool having a closed down Times Square AND half 8th ave. Wow.

AND...what's playing @ mile 11? "Finished with my woman 'cause she couldn't help me with my mind." LOVE it!!!

Came back to Toxichouse, Keith alone, again, left there all day. Fuck me. Did the lawn, @ least I made progress somewhere.

Really wish I had someone there for me, but I need to be there for Keith and man up.
When I see people hooking up after races like today it hurts. But, such is life. Would'a hurt worse if I hadn't run it.

I console myself with the fact that my splits were deadly consistent-within 5-7 second-the time it took to run behind the water tables to get water and NOT get trampled. If I'd have set a faster 5k pace to start, I'm sure I would'a broken 2 hours-but wouldn't have had any of the fun. I really enjoy these runs. Also, this year there was no one to pace me-last year there was Tom, the year before P. Oh well, I got in, the club represented well. Bring on The Marathon!!!

***News flash: It comes home, again, in full on rage mode: wakes me up to scream at me, throws my laptop to the ground, my Fender, and assorted microphones. Thnik SOMEONE is suffering from anger related displacement issues? Jeeeeez. Get it right kiddies: run a half marathon, mow the lawn, take care of the garbage, and this is the result. So nice to be "home."

day 20

dinner went well, figures, the restaurant of choice would be Hooters. AND they serve food! Can't beat that!!! We DO have a fun group. Waitress was a howl-the LAST thing you'd think she was majoring in was in fact her major-chemistry. Studying to be a physician's assistant. Can't judge a book by it's implants.

Off day, no run, no spin, no nuttin'. Need to do the lawn, that'll wait. Don't wanna twist an ankle or take ANY chances. No rain through the weekend. Nice. Gonna be hot/humid as a mother though. Who cares. It's on and I'm in!!! Funny bib color: shit brown. Ouch.

Refreshment run today, wonder if Pret'll be there? Hasn't missed one yet, but then again, the beach usually calls-except on refreshment runs.

It out all day, working day shift and night. Good. Think It's bills are piling up???

Took Keith to see The Goods, laugh out loud funny. Very good.

...finished with my woman 'cause she couldn't help me with my mind.....

day 19

before leaving bed-you know those moments when you say "I'm up too early, go back to sleep damnit!!!", well, I hear Keith on the x box. Hardly unusual. It sleeping next to him, he playing video games @ 3 am. Ahhhh, family.

I go downstairs, give him The Look, go to my pc, try to log on and.....and...it's already on. Needless to say he fears seeing me after having to tear him a new one. He just doesn't understand you don't do that. I explained: he killed 2 pc's, he's not notching another on his techno belt. Of course his answer: "I had to look something up," a cheat for a video game. @ THAT point I told him "ask It for ANYTHING computer related, I'm done." The ONE friggin' thing I have some privacy with, and now that's gone. And what does It do? The usual, nothing.

St.Francis this am, last run before Sunday. Looking forward to it. Last year, Walking on Sunshine and Lets Go Crazy playing in Times Square, finding ANOTHER Ipod, memories of when peeps were tight and we did the Central Park and other training runs. At least I'll be there. In the end, it's all that counts.

Pick up the number this am, then dinner with The Boys. Sort of like a bachelor party minus the donkey. Maybe.

*Les Paul: 94 years old, with us no mo'. Bummer. How ironic that It Might Get Loud opens today. STILL remember as though I'm there, the night we went to the club to have him sign our guitars. What a wonderful guy. Actually asking what we wanted him to write. Amazing. A genius, razor wit, yet humble as hell. Earth won't be the same.

day 18

knee better, the track workout that wasn't on the track seems to kill it. Sure the hills + increased speed didn't help.

Core training last night went very well. Almost a tutorial, only 2 of us showed. The trainer injured her back, so I ended up the guinea pig.

St.Francis this am, nice to run it without knee reminding me of my mortality.

Prolly goin' into nyc to do the number/bib pickup thing. We'll see how the day shakes out.

Back to Toxichouse last night after the Y, Keith sleeping. Rough life. What slays me is the wasted days. It drives 50+ miles to hang with a friend, ditches him. Such is his summer vaca. Yet we have this bogus Avon "live, laugh love," "a neat kitchen is a sign of..." bullshit hanging everywhere. Keith first made the observation of "don't you need a trailer to decorate like this?" Who's son is he???

The NYC half is one of those milestone runs: takes you back over the years to when we were a team, a group, more cohesive. Until folk got wrapped up in their own corners of earth, forgetting what once brought us all together. Another reason I love the AP peeps: through it all, we're there. It's awfully reassuring.

day 17

right knee sore-comes from not taking a day off. When we got to the track n' saw it was closed for 2 weeks, I hoped we'd cancel, but not to be. Forgot how determined we can be. That's a good thing, but the knee is paying the price.

Still, didn't stop the am run. Actually got up late(by my standards), left Toxichouse @ 5. This after being asked, last night, what was wrong with Keith's computer. Now think kiddies, if I knew what was wrong, would it be broke???

St.Francis felt HUMID!!!!! A guy passed me, we met @ the end as he was stretching, we gave each other the "are we wacked?" look. Both agreed we were glad we did it. Can you imagine doing the half on Sunday without having run during this humididity?

A niche: core training. Something's working, my gut is killing me.

day 16

so far so good, bit of a glitch, but nothing major.

Was supposed to to track work, but the track is closed for 2 weeks-renovation. Good news there. We went to AP instead, 73rd n' Springfield. Did 5 loops, totaled 5 miles. THAT was the bad news. Tough run, made me long for a nice flat track-especially with 3 sisters hill (which we weren't supposed to do-we ALL went off course, thereby making it unnecessarily hard on ourselves). Rob, Laurie, Russ, and I.

Back to Toxichouse, there's a sheet (yes, a sheet) between the living room and the kitchen. Why? The a/c. Hope It decides to help with the bills. Right. @ least make some efforts to diminish the trailer trash decorating scheme.

Got the NYC half notification, the paper you're s'posed to bring w/id for bib pickup. Remembering the first NY Marathon I did, had everything laid out, everything pre-prepared. Get to the Javits Center, what didn't I have, that friggin' paper. Turns out it really isn't needed long as you have photo id.

Hopefully the heat will break. Imagine running 13+ in this fucking weather???

Still can't get over Marty Geraghty and the Cantor yesterday. Tonight even Joe was commenting on the Cantor barely locomoting. Aging sucks. Aging without running sucks more.

day 15

St.Francis, HUMID!!!!! REALLY hard to breathe. I can't imagine what it'd be like running later on. Got the half coming up Sunday, this is no time to be a wuss.

As I was waking up, Keith was winding down, amazing. And It is asleep on the adjoining air mattress...in the middle of the living room...@ 3:15 am. No Virginia, this isn't fiction. Just be grateful It has groupies, our dishes wouldn't get washed. Remember It's rant about my "control issues" (i.e. putting things away, not leaving a mess???), well, in response, I leave things as they are. So, after the summer party, the sink was full. It went into the hospital, sink stayed full, It wasd discharged, came back to Toxichouse, same dishes in same sink. Wouldn't want my control issues interfering with a budding roach problem would we? Finally, one of It's groupies couldn't take the mess and took action. Friggin' pathetic. Not lifting a f______ finger.

This am, Ken's dad's funeral.

Funeral went well-odd comment that n'est pas? Suffices to say we were glad to have represented The Wearers of the Green, but we know it's way more than that. The core of us who attended both the wake and hadda be there for the funeral. Odd seeing Marty Geraghty. BOY does that take me back.

After we did the diner thing, rehashing our histories, experiences, etc...debriefing/processing. I'll forever be thankful for the people I've met @ AP. Truly gifted to know them.

day 14

ok, 2 weeks down, how many more to go? Get that crystal ball out kiddies.

Keith needs midol-dead pc. Sucks for him. Looks like the power source, but you have to wonder: it's his second computer. I'm STILL on a Pentium 2-believe it-it works perfectly. No viruses etc..... Him? Laptop, died and was revived, now his desktop is dead. Do you see me rushing? Let It take it to Best Buy.

Rain in the am, if it were not for being preregged, would'a skipped the race, but hey-a 5k? Gotta do it. Was one of the few really local races left-the kind where you're noticed for representing your peeps. Glad I did it. Saw my hard core peeps-Joe, Sal, Curtis, Wendy, danny. Was terrific. Tom called, asked about Ken's status. He hit it on the head when he stated the obvious: it's more than a "club," more like a family. A sick, fucked family, but a family. N' I'd have it no other way.

Did ok, keeping it well under 9 per mile. On a challenging course like this one, I'll take it. Need to lose 10 more seconds consistently n' I'll be happy-keep it @ 8:30.

WOULD be nice if Keith would get a grip, he looks like my patients withdrawing, but I will NOT enable/rescue him. He's gotta learn it's a friggin' machine. Hurts to see him so friggin' frustrated-almsot near tears. It drove him to gamestop to buy an x-box game, THAT lasted about 10 minutes. Methadone lasts longer.


.....the Reverend Smithy recognized mne, and punched me in the nose!!!

day 13

It planned to go to work, couldn't get out of It's deathbed for that. BUT, was able to lift Itself out to drive 40 miles for a groupie's b'day party. ???????. I gave up trying to make sense of it years ago.

St.Francis this am. Was great to see Ken, he's doing ok. Told him I'd go to the service, but not the wake. Famous last words. The priest doing the ceremony was the Dean in college, wait til he sees me.

So, of course I ended up going to the friggin' wake. Got a call asking if I was going, couldn't refuse of course. Turned around, met @ The Parkhouse, went. Lots of peeps there, very nice. Really heartwarming. Showed what we're made of.

(these would be the friends Shebitch doesn't believe exist...for the record). Fortunately, It's opinion of of no consequence, hasn't been for 7 years.

Saw Julie and Julia, and am man enough to admit it. I always liked Julia Child-and I'm man enough to admit THAT too. This film really showed what I'd thought all along. Well done. See it.

day 12

great bored/membership meeting. I'm actually surprised.

Via phone we'd discussed putting out the news about Ken's father @ the end. Smart that.

Speaker was good, I'm shocked, someone who didn't make me wanna leave. Not one of these "give me your $ and I'll fix you" people. Had bought a cake n' candle for TG's b'day, saved it for the between meetings break, worked well.

Out by 9, Toxichouse by 9:30. It was "home," now that It's back, back to Toxichouse. Funny, can stop to buy dogfood but whatever I indicate is needed via list It asked for, I'm told is my prob. And I'm supposed to have empathy? Guess again.

St.Francis this am. BEAUTIFUL morning, cool, crisp. Again, should'a taken today as an off day, but it was TOO nice. Tomorrow maybe.

Talking about teams for Ocean to Sound. Can you believe it's that time of year again??? Wow. Carmen and Hector are joining us. Good. Fun peeps.

day 11

It gets discharged from the hospital today following last round of chemo, for this cycle. Fortunately, there's a bored/membership meeting tonight, so I'll be too tired to give a rat's ass.

St.Francis this am, still sore from the track, but getting better.

I really dunno what I'd do if I hadn't set upon this path years ago. Thanks again Steve. My mind'd be more shot than it currently is. Really helps ferret out the wheat from the chaff.


***and it's raining AGAIN!!!!!


******P.S.: what the _____'s in the air? Karen's husband died, now we get the news of Ken's father as well. Wassup????? (and no, it's not a "K" thing, not funny)

REALY reaffirms my belief: life's too short, gotta grab that gusto when you can. No regrets baby!!!

day 10

track work last night, ouch!!!

You know you're off your mark when the coach asks "you feelin' ok?" (n' I thought I was doing average).

Surreal workout: Started w/4 laps @ 10k pace (hence coach asking the question); then 100m high knees, 100m @ 5k, 100m skipping, 100m @ 5k. REALLY good for the knees. Then 100m drop downs: as in: you start w/the crouching start a la a REAL track runner. Followed by 4 laps @ 5k pace. Totaled 3.1, but that 100m intervals kills the knees.

Only Russ and I there. Are we the only 2 w/a sense of committment or cojones?

Today It's scheduled to be discharged from the hospital. In the process of de-debris-inbg Toxichouse, I found an opened check-to me-dated March. Nice of It to continue opening my mail, then hide a check. And I'm supposed to feel for this being? Sick, very sick.


.....I can chew anything I bite..............come one, come all to the midnight ball the invitation's there. Come alone n' I'll drive you home, so help me I do declare it's a free for all!!!

day 9

Went to the hospital, on way up, bumped into former counselor/sponsor/yentl. She said hello, I responded, that was that.

When I walked in, It's best friend was there-she'd taken the week off to be with her peep. It was connected to the chemo drip. Again, think of Farrah toward the end. Really tragic. No matter how cruel/abusive/psychotic It is, no one should be in that space.

The way it's gonna work: 3 days in hospital chemo, two weeks off. This is to be repeated 3 x. THEN, stem cells into the bone marrow.

What have we learned?

1)Don't EVER utter words you'd regret, they may be your last. (mean what you say, don't let your inner psycho out).

2)Each moment could be your last. Milk it, work it, use it. Let each be a moment you'd be proud of.

3)You AREN'T the center of the universe. It has no insurance, nothing to leave Keith besides memories of active psychosis, no accomplishments, no legacy. Never realized there are others involved.

tonight: track work. Thank God.

*****Fresh off the presses: oncologist has the test results: malignant, stage 4. Ouch.

day 8

It leaves for the hospital in 10 mins. Now's the quandry: It had It's former counselor serve as proxy and is driving It. Now...think...what am I supposed to do? Visit or not? You KNOW It's groupies will be there, these are the people to whom It has told every one of my (real or imagined) eccentricities. Could you imagine walking into a nest of people who despise you/know EVERYTHING about you?

Of course I reiterated the "if you need anything....." more to satisfy legalese rather than reality, but whatever, got my head bitten off for that. God forbid you admit you're scared. Fortunately, I've spoken to enough male spouses who indicate the same thing. Wives blames hub for everything. It's rare when they don't. And again, cheapertokeepher.

What I can't escape is the feeling of wasted time. If this was YOUR last contact with someone (of course, even Queen of the Damned shouldn't have cancer much less die from it, but if It lives 6 more month's it'll be a miracle), would YOU want to leave it on angry terms? Unbelievable. More so when the interloper (counselor, former sponsor) puts herself right in the middle. Amazing. Not even a thought (and this IS a social worker no less, useless lot they are) to how disruptive she is to the relationship, or that she crossed the professional/personal boundary quite some time ago.

St.Francis this am. After 13, then the 5k, really needed a day off, but too beautiful out this am. Manana track work, so between now and tmrw night, that'll be my rest.

day 7

...of course I keep thinking the glass is half full. Translation: for SOME odd reason I keep expecting the best, i.e. I can set foot in the place I pay a mortgage on, before It leaves. WRONG. With It entering the hospital manana, of course It has to pick a fight. I offered to drive It and provide whatever was necessary, this is of course met with every one of my perceived wrongdoings of this or any past life. Not giving in, I repeated if It wanted a lift or needed anything, the offer held. THEN, I left until It left. Jeeeeeeeez.

Brooklyn Bridge run this am, Hellgate and CP were there, no blue/red/whatever people. Raining, but for Curtis, it's always on!!! A true gentleman. Big bird was there too. Was supposed to go in with Anita, but plans changed. Fun time, missed the nypd chopper, but with the rain it was grounded. Did ok, not great, but ok. The track work is paying off. Able to maintain a sub 9. THAT pace in this weather, with narrow paths and walkers everywhere, I'll take it-more like a real 8:30. Now if I could do 8:15 I'd be thrilled.

Heard from Tom, he was joining the AP hardcore peeps on a roadtrip to Rockefeller. Yumm. Challenging hills AND rain. He reported they did ok. Hope Keith is doing ok in the mud/campground-if they went at all.

Funny, It bitches about all the godawful things I reportedly did, yet lives in my house without contributing in any way shape or form. Nor taking note of Keith not missing a day of school, playing team basketball, or pulling straight A's, while on my watch. Odd that.

.....she knows how to use them.....

day 6

niiiice morning. Intended to run with the peeps, but too humid. Went out earlier. REALLY beautiful. Did 13. Needed it. Glad went out when I did, any later would've been deadly.

'Round mile 12, on the way back, Andrea n' Christina came up behind on their bikes. Was tempted to bribe them for a lift, but never d.n.f.

Texts from TG. Nice. How wonderful to be thought of.

It lying down after a day in the sun. Good. Quiet. Out of my way.

Keith, unfortunately for me, @ his brotherfromanothermother's. Good for him-he needs to hang with peeps, bad for me. But that's my problem.


.....