day 5

DRATS!!!!! Rained on AGAIN!

Fri is normally an off day...if....so, with the threat of thunderstorms at any minute on almost any day, figured this was not the day to chill. Had EVERY excuse in the book to relax: back killing me (new running shoes), knees hurt...MAYBE rain....blah blah blah. All bs. "Get out, it's not raining NOW." OK, listened to the inner voice.

Bad move. Actually made it to within 2 miles of the finish when BOOM, first a "did I just feel a drop?" moment. Then the skies friggin' opened. I mean OPENED. When you can't see 20 feet in front of you, that's rain. STILL glad I ran. Showered, changed, feel good. Fortunately, bought 2 pairs of the shoes I'm breaking in, so while these dry out, use the others. Still a third pair (lighter, dif brand) for 10k/5k races only. No problems there. Nice part of getting soaked: once you give in rather than fight it, it's quite liberating. No wet t shirts (besides mine) to enjoy though, damn.

...n' I can still hear her complain................

day 4

back to Toxichouse yesterday pm after Y class, find a torn up note on the floor. Hmmmmm. I, again, tell It it needs to sign a confidentiality release. I'm asked why. It states It signed the Health Care Proxy-It's former counselor-the one who married her patient-is the designee. Amazing. Good. Let her gather the remains.

The torn up note, you KNOW I put it together. It's from Angela, pissin' n' moanin' about HER husband-dmv brother, the one w/diabetes who couldn't make it to the party because of declining health. And I quote "...I also hear that you were angry because I didn't come (you're not that important).......When Peter's home, even more so when Pete is sick, I'm put on a short leash (insert female dog joke here). In 35 years I have not been able to overcome Pete's despotic behavioral tendencies, lest be fighting with him daily. You know the drill. Ruiz's never give up." Nice to give props to the guy who paid for you to go to college, then nursing school, only to have you bail after ONE WEEK, thereafter pay for food and lodging, with the only request the she cleans and cooks. Nice life. But no, play the victim. Sensing a trend here?

This is getting more interesting n'est pas? Another yahoo who disappears from my reality when It does as well. Knew there was an up side to all this.

What slays me is: a life built on lies. Selling all these gullibles that you're a victim and casting the spouse as satan. Can this many people really be that stupid? Also, fearing for my mortal soul, I'd fear frying in hell for playing this illness as an excuse to con people into believing that I'm a victim, wherein in reality, my life hasn't amounted to a damn thing. Only a series of aborted efforts.

Woke up this am, Keith still awake (3 am). We both smell smoke. It was throwing old sponges in the bottom of the dishwasher (we never use it-only for storage). Why the HELL would you keep old sponges????? The heating element @ the bottom was on them, they touched, smoke ensued. Amazing. Another problem that will cease.

St.Francis this am, you KNOW it. Felt REALLY good to get back to the very basics: running in the dark. With last night's rain, LOTS of branches.

day 3

It goes into the hospital Mon, Tues, Wed. Joy joy. Still hasn't signed a consent. Sucks for It.

Keith: going camping with his brotherfromanothermother. Leaves either Thurs or Fri, comes back Tues.

St.Francis this am, core training this pm.

day 2

had the day off to volunteer @ the workplace challenge. Glad I did. Reconnected with the LI peeps. Great bunch, the GLIRC folk. Hadda boogie @ 3 to chill, eat, and be ready for the track workout, but glad I went. Volunteers are really well treated: GREAT munchies: your choice of wraps, I did the chicken. THAT was the good news. Bad news: was burping up roasted red peppers until this minute. What the hell, if it was tasty once, it's tasty twice. Gonne hook up with some of the GLIRC's on Sunday am-Curtis's Brooklyn Bridge run.

Track workout was tough. First: threat of rain: yes, again. But we pulled it off. Only Lori and I. Peter took a day off, Rob was @ the workplace challenge. What SUCKED: Joe tells me he wants to see me do the 1/4 @ 1:45. THAT'S the kiss of death. I came in @ 1:50. Told him, NEVER tell me my time, fucks me up every time.

*was/is odd describing to they that don't know me that well, wassup. They give odd looks when I describe what's going on. Entirely appropriate. it IS an odd situation, sucks that It's a total bitch, sucks also that the bitch has the big C. Guess that's why it's called "ambivalence."

Still sinking in that I'll be a single parent. Again, been one for the past 7 years, but you know what I mean. Hurts. Feels heavy.

.....down by the river.....I shot my baby.....down by the river.........

.....

day 1

It goes in for bone marrow testing-to see if/how far the disease spread. Kind'a a moot point: once it's in the liver it's over. Now, bear in mind, there's still no confidentiality release signed giving permission for me to get any information. STILL think I exaggerate?

St.Francis this am. Getting tough. Why? New shoes. Hadda retire both pairs-the daily Asics and race New Balances. Why? Worn to shit. And of course, being worn to shit AND new models replacing tried and true faves, the normal runner is periodically screwed. So, trying dif pairs. TOUGH on the back and knees, but my old Adidas Adistar Controls are @ the ready for the nyc half and The Marathon. Only one or two more uses left in them. For now, stumbled upon Merrils @ Dick's. No lace, nice. Built in ortho, also nice. But still, back ain't what it was.

Manana, volunteering @ the 3.5 challenge, then track work. By the time evening falls I'll be wiped, but after 2 cancellations last week, need the track before all progress disappears.

whew!!!

ok, avoided Toxichouse for as long as I could, finally hadda go back. "Party" was in full swing. You could tell something was in the air. Re: they to whom I'm Satan, wusses couldn't even make eye contact. The rest at the very least had the courtesy to give a perfunctory greeting. The years haven't been so kind. Priestbrother-nowhere to be found-dunno if he even knew. DMV brother (supposedly gave It $$$ for a divorce), couldn't make it-diabetes complications. Robbie's (mutual friend) wife-looked pregnant-so much for working out.

Really left me with the knowledge that I'm doing the right thing. When Bonardi calls/sees me/speaks with me, she always marvels that my habits haven't changed one iota since she's known me-and it's been almost 25 years. It works. What was really striking was my students from 20 years ago-they ALL look like bells. Ouch.

The ONE thing that pisses me off-people resenting me/hating me/talking about me: don't care. Never gave a shit about that. Just ask the blue people. Don't give a fuck. I know wassup, G knows wassup, everything else is bull. What irks the living hell outta me is: didn't It EVER take It's role as a parent seriously? When you have a kid-especially one as wonderful as Keith-your life ends, his begins, yours is subsumed into his. It continued, tra la la, doing whatever It pleased. There is a cost to everything. Wouldn't I love to eat whatever I want, do whatever I want? Of course. I can't. I was meant for better, Keith now needs better.

Next year none of this will matter, by January the rules of the game will have changed. All these pathetic friends/groupies will have disappeared. And I, like now, will have the aftermath to deal with. Pray for Keith.

So what did It do today? Church (religion teacher)? no. Fun with groupies/friends? No. Slept. Nice. Criticize everything, do nothing. It's time on earth is limited, It sleeps. Don't care what my state would be, I'd be making the most.

St.Francis this am. Bumped into Tom, he was doing 13 with Lock. Too friggin' hot/humid. During my cool down I came back with the walkers-Ken couldn't resist, nor could I when I said they wore me out.

Miracle of the day: was driving @ my usual, doing 77 in a 55. How do I know that? Take a moment and think about it. The miracle? The cop gave me a break. I gave him my thanks. cool.


.....you don't know but you have come to see the strange man/changed man.

better

did St.Francis, couldn't wait for the peeps-they talk too goddamned much and thus start late-but got to see my people. Feel re-centered.

Today's tough. "Party" @ the place for which I pay a mortgage, yet I'm unwelcome. Not fun. As if things weren't bad enough.

At least the knees are holding up.

the inevitable

what's sinking in is the reality of single parenting.

For the past 6+ years that's really been the case, but in the back of my mind, Shebitch was there. If only in spirit, if only to avoid it's responsibilities, it was there. If even only to wake up and abandon Keith while It went to the beach, It was there. Soon, this will no longer be the case. How often have I returned to Toxichouse, asked where it went, Keith having no clue, waking up after 12, nothing for b'fast? nothing but junk all day? Too often.

This feels like alot on the shoulders, but I gotta remember, it'll really make things easier. Yes, it's all on me, but I won't have It fighting my every effort. I'll no longer have to fight a battle on 2 fronts: parenting Keith AND fighting Mental Bitch. Keith will be better off once the initial difficulty passes. He has said "why don't you get a divorce," this'll address that need. And It's "friends?" They'll disappear when It does. Problem solved.

What will be It's legacy? Failed attempts at several careers. Portraying the one person who'd been there through it all as the enemy? Really sucks. So much potential blown.

Feels like alot to swallow, it is. It hurts.

Over and above all, I gotta keep my shit tight. When It went mental, my life for me ceased. My life for Keith began. It never adopted this way of thinking, rather, maintaining It's narcissistic self as the center of the universe. This ceases when you have a child. This comes to a shuddering end when you're solo with child. Wow. Gotta keep it together and be a parent.

deja vu all over again

ok, rain tuesday, so rescheded track for thurs, rain again. DAYUM!!! REALLY needed it, but, gotta accept what ya' can't change. So, quiet eve @ home with Spike. Nice.

This am, 10. Hadda. St.Francis + Kissena 5k. Nice. New running shoes, hadda try 'em out, felt good. And after a day off, needed it.

Manana, It's party. A house full of people who worship the ground It walks on, and despise me...in my house...fun. Damned if I do, and if I don't. Stay there, get reamed. Stay away, get reamed. AND manana is Curtis's cruise!!! DAYUM!!! Would LOVE to be there. Hope Keith one day appreciates what I go through.

Hopefully it'll be the last year of this crap.

I tried

so, overcame all the pettiness and tried to contact the Oncologist (cancer doc), guess what, It didn't sign a HIPAA release, a.k.a. a confidentiality release for the spouse to speak with the doc. Can you believe this shit? I actually tried to overcome all the mental crap to do the right thing, and this was the result. I quit. It's friend(s) apparently are entitled to know more than the person who provides the health benefits. I quit. Fuck It. Keith matters, no one else now.

Would YOU really wanna go out this way?

it's baaaaaaaack!!!

Non Hodgkins Lymphoma morphed into leukemia +, the kind that doesn't go away. The kind that's beyond surgery, the "this makes Farrah look healthy" kind. Ouch. Monday spinal tap to determine if/how far it is into the bones. So far: lymph nodes, every major organ, except the brain. Yes, the liver. Ouch.

Tried speaking with Keith about it, he didn't wanna talk. I hadda. Told him it wasn't a discussion, but he had to know wassup. With any luck It'll get another year, probably around 6 months.

Would YOU wanna be the person who said what It said, and have this prognosis? Helluva way to be remembered.

Treatment, I wouldn't do it, but I don't have to, chemo-in hospital. Like I said, it's beyond surgery-it's everywhere. Stem cell, most likely. Bless technology, but it's a long shot. Stem cell replacement really is a last ditch.

Dreading being a single parent, but been one since '03. Only dif would be less obstacles-no one there to contradict whatever I say/sabotage my efforts.

Reality is tough right now.

rain, rain go AWAY!!!!

track work tues rained out. E mailed Joe Tues am, replied it was on. Guess who was the only one who showed? Can't say I'm not committed (or need to be). Both decided this was ridiculous, thanked him for even showing in this crap weather, rescheded for Thurs. Good thing, ran Fri-usually an off day-so needed the day off. Was initially annoyed-would'a gone to spin class @ 6, but hey, rest is rest.

St.Francis this am, took the day off as Shebitch gets biopsy results. Crucial error. Got blown off, really shouldn't be surprised, but a friend picked It up. The same friend who introduced us years ago, the same friend who married one of her clients, the same "friend" who-despite being herself a therapist-cann;t see she's usurping my role. Good on her. Fuck 'em both. Used to care, no more. If you were, stop praying either way. Save it for one more deserving.

And after this shit, It has the tits to ask if I'd invited anyone to The "Party." Amazing. Fucking amazing.

Tonight, core training. The world may fall to shit, I will do my best.

Monday

start of a new week, not looking good meteorologically. Track work scheduled for manana, IF...supposed to rain, yes, again.

Esta manana, St.Francis. A tough one. VERY humid. I'm talkin' hard to breathe, but made it.

Sunday's rock!!!!!!!

not too hot, not too humid, would've been a perfect golf day, but the lawn called.

St.Francis in the am, half the usual suspects-many ran yesterday. They're the normal ones. Took today off. The rest of us were there esta manana. Even Chris from the blue/red/whichever peeps was there. Carmen n' Hector ran long with Lock. I did the usual. Other than track work, gotta stick to The Plan.

Time to go fire some round with Finster.

should'a, could'a, would'a, but didn't

should'a taken today off, since yesterday was an off day-but too nice-and with the threat of rain yesterday, hadda do St.Francis again. Makes 5 days, nice. Feeling REALLY good. HOTTTTTT as a mother, but nice day.

Hadda be there since Alan couldn't. He was kind enough to call ahead, since he couldn't set up, I hadda. Was regged to do the 4m in CP, but fuckit. Not a big deal. I was where I needed to be. STILL no patience with all the goddamned talking-if a run is supposed to go off @ 8:30, @ 8:30 it goes! None of this 8:33 shit. There's on time and everything else. Still, I was where I needed to be. Bless my peeps.

******We've got Dave!!!!! He was doing AP, wearing The Singlet. Asked if he was doing O 2 S. Yessssssss. He's joined the dark side. What a guy. Bumped into him and Len. Funny there. Did he get any shit for not showing for the 6-14 run? Hmmmmm, makes you wonder.

Came back to Toxichouse, fired a few rounds with Spike. Ahhhh, father/son memories. Warm fuzzies while pulverizing targets/making a box of raisin bran into raisin dust.

P.S. McCartney: amazing. 67 years old and he STILL delivers. Bless him.

***Harry Potter: fell asleep. Stick a fork in it. Unless Hermione gets naked in the next one.

.....kissed the softest lips I'd ever tasted, the sweetest heart I never had.......

done!

it's FRIDAY!!! Made it through a tough week, knowing things will only get tougher.

Wednesday, It gets It's biopsy results. God help us all/here we go again. More chemo, more crap. And after all THAT'S done, I get to be portrayed as Satan yet again. Remember '03? I play attentive spouse, only to be thereafter branded Satan after cleaning up the rainbow colored detritus coming out of It. Where were It's friends then? Of course no mention is made of my waiting on It hand and foot-as a spouse should.

St.Francis this am, unexpected. Today should'a been a day off, but tonight into manana am, rain is predicted, so, might not get the miles in.

Gotta be there for the refreshment run-as Alan can't make it, damn. Hate feeling boxed in, but, gotta take the good with the not so good.

Keith's chomping @ the bit. Been forwarding to his e mail the notices Amazon's sending re: "status of your order," he can't wait. Remember when YOU were chomping @ the bit for Santa? For a b'day gift? God bless him, makes all the crap (well, most of it) worth it.

***Pix below of the Heart n' Sole (am) and The Cyclones (pm) events.

final kick

last 400 metres of the week, almost there!

St.Francis this am. Wanted to do stair work, but this eve through sat pm, showers are predicted. Hadda log them thar miles.

Brought The Goose to work, keep a bike there just in case.

Feel good.

Manana pm, McCartney @ Shea. REFUSE to use that new name. If it rains, hey, whatthefuck, we'll have fun anyway.

hump day

St.Francis this am, core training this pm. Amazed I can stand after the track workout, good for the soul n'est pas-push that envelope.

Today we went to celebrate the retirement of the secretary of MATC, she had 30+ years. She was on the scene when I first started there. Another part of me died. So it goes...

Manana hill work (steps) and possibly some biking.

it's baaaaack!

def, the big C. And here we go again. Chemo etc..... We knew this didn't we? Didn't the behavior match the diagnosis? When you start flipping out-I mean FLIPPING out-because a 2 liter bottle of iced tea is moved in the fridge, I'd call that flipping out. Not very important, unless you're totally full blown batshit nuts. With any luck it reached the brain.

Ahhhh...good times.

Track work tonight. Felt good. Even if it has no effect on my times, at least I'm trying. Effort, not outcome.

Sooo good to be here with the professional victim.

Pray, pray HARDER.

Back in the saddle

ok, made it through the weekend relatively sane.

Shebitch SWEARING Keith has the report card. Can you believe It? Have another cigarette.

Results from yesterday, did ok, better than before. Thank G. Starting to remember what it was like to be fast(er).

REALLY had a great time with Keith yesterday. Can't tell him it breaks my heart that his birthday is being spent with his brotherfromanothermother, but my heartbreak shouldn't be his problem. And Shebitch treats today like any other day. Reschedules his birthday party so it doesn't conflict with the parties of others. Priorities????

St.Francis this am, track work manana. Feeling good.

Pray.

***Fresh pix @ the bottom.

I'm not alone!!!!!

remember Shebitch directed me to Keith re: reportcard, as in: call your son, he has it (!!!???). Well, guess who's back from his brotherfromanothermother? And guess who never saw his report card, let alone is in possession of it? Sick bitch. Now, of course, It goes on a rant about 2 liars in the house. Of course, I welcomed him to my world. Good parenting, get caught in a lie and blame the child. How DO you spell "fucked up?"

Did the Heart and Sole, nice. HOT, but nice. Got to see the peeps, not all, but most. Beautiful day, great people, can't wait to see my time-see if the track workout paid off. I know it's too soon, but I'm curious. No blue people-or are they now red? But most of the usual suspects. Now, on to the outing!!!

Did the AP outing, had a blast. Now bear in mind, Keith and I hadda depart Toxichouse as Shebitch was in mid rant-against now myself AND Keith. So, there was an LIRR train to nyc in 4 mins, made it, saw Bruno-HILARIOUS, then the R train to the ferry, met up with the AP peeps, and had a blast.

CAN YOU BELIEVE It set Keith up as the fall guy? Claiming he had the report card. Lying bitch. AND, the icing on the cake, guess who is smoking?????

Thank G for my peeps, they know wassup. Pray. Pray alot. Again, for what, need you ask???

lucky # ?

hadda do 13 today. With track work and the bullshit 5k's hadda get the miles in.

REALLY wanted to do the 5k @ CW Post today, but, got there this am-it's right down the road, a straight line. Nothing. I mean nothing. And I wasn't early-by my or anyone's standards. The race was supposed to go off @ 9:30, sign in between 7-9. I was there @ 7:30. Even security had no idea where anything was happenin', even asked if I wanted their Brentwood campus. So, went back to Toxichouse, again checked our award winning, over 10,500 hits website, and nope, I was in fact in the right place. Go D, our webmaster is on the money, to the point that others may be wrong but Wearers of the Green are credible. So fuck 'em all, went to where my soul belonged-AP.

Good thing I did. Got intel for tomorrow's AP roadtrip. Tom was there with Terri, Ken, Sara and Joe/Lynn as well. So we laid our plans for tomorrow's roadtrip. Now, hopefully Keith'll show. Saw Pret for about less than 5 seconds, really, join our club already. Your heart is here.

Carmen is doing O 2 S with us, asked Hector if he was in-hey, if wife is with The Dark Side, join us. He agreed. Cool. Two wonderful people.

So why 13? Lock and co were doing 8-10. Figured @ my speed, 13 kept me even with them. AND I was so pissed about the poor logistics of this am's race, I felt better after. Probably regret it manana, but I may never live to see that. All we have is now.

And, yes, Shebitch is back on meds: Effexor. What's Effexor? Major antidepressant. You forgot already??? Needless to say, Shebitch has been easier to live with.

***Mental note kiddies: who takes Keith to the movies? Who's taking Keith to the AP roadtrip? And who bitches constantly that I should do more, yet hasn't done a goddamned thing with him-other than drive him to his brotherfromanothermother's house? Do the math. Pray It's fate is painful. Payback for what has been inflicted. Let's REALLY see if what goes around comes around. Yet, with all this cruelty, It asks if I invited anyone to Keith's "party," really a thinly veiled exercise in inviting It's friends to where I pay a mortgage.

it is what it is

so, here's what we got:

A psycho who can't remember It's sons grades, and who does whatever it takes to keep the father from finding what they are.

A psycho who insists on screaming @ It's son's father, even following him into the street.

A psycho who serves It's son mashed potatoes and chocolate milk for his only meal, and yet sees fit to tell the son's father what he should be doing.

A psycho who sends It's son to live with his brotherfromanothermother for a week, washing It's hands of ANY parenting, yet tells the son's father he should do more things with his son. (remember, going out with Keith @ least once a week to at the very least a flick, while It does absolutely nothing).

A psycho who claims to love It's dog, yet never walks him nor cleans after him.

So, where does that leave me? I gotta drive to Keith's school to get a copy of the report card. When they offered to resend a copy I of course explained psychos don't allow mail to reach the intended recipient. They responded: a copy will be here waiting for you.

And I'm supposed to swallow this because of cancer? I don't think so. We all got troubles. Spare me. Dare I point to Lance "I won the tour de france after losing a ball AND having the cancer go to my brain" Armstrong, or Sheryl "Even without a breast I'm smokin' hot" Crow?

B.I.C.

Now, pray. Pray that I don't blow my head off when I see the report card.

Icing on the cake: remember yesterday when It said nothing should be done re: consequence for poor grades? It's best friend is in town. It's best friend is a teacher. Who raised her daughter strictly. The daughter is exemplary. Do the math.

Ok, update. Got the report card. Fortunately, the people @ the school must've seen this kind'a shit before, they asked "and your last name?" when I asked for a copy of my son's report card-as in: many "families" have dif last names. Shebitch signs Itslef with It's maiden name-yet has no problem using my health benefits registered as It's married name. Convenient.

How'd Keith do? I have no idea. I'll review the marks with him. Pray.

Hi there, Satan here

so, I'm Satan, a liar and a thief...oh yes, and I should_________________It's really good @ telling others what they should be doing when It does nothing (ask when It has EVER reviewed Keith's homework?).

Think Shebitch is on a tear???

I'd been asking, for now, 3 days, for Keith's report card. The above was It's way of saying It didn't have it. It was quite taken aback that I believe I should see it, can you imagine? And better, It tells me to call Keith-talk about putting an innocent child in the middle. It claims HE has the report card.

Now, take a moment, let that sink in. Not only was the father denied access to his sons final report card, It directs the father to the child to get it. Amazing. Thereafter, It counters with the laundry list of accusations and dictums.

When I inquire as to what consequences should follow poor grades, It responds "none, it's only grade school."

St.Francis this am, thank God.

When G asked what It should be called I of course responded : It, Shebitch, Queen of the Damned, Plaintiff. Tohse were kind.

Can you imagine, denying access to his report card, thereafter referring a parent to the child to see it.

Bear in mind, Monday is Keith's birthday. Sunday we were supposed to see a Cyclones game with the club, God knows if he'll be home.

Pray. For what, I think you know. Just pray.

it was 19 years ago today

nineteen loooooooooong years. Why oh why did I utter those fatal words???

As a comedian I like once said, "if you REALLY wanna prove your love to someone, NEVER say 'I do.'"

Biggest mistake of my life. The ONE thing of my past I'd change. What an utter horror.

Called It, not for anything good. One of the peeps here on the job has a daughter in Keith's class. I asked if they got their child's report card, of course they had.

So of course I hadda leave numerous messages on It's voicemail asking to see Keith's card. Can you imagine??? I have to seek out my son's report card. Have you EVER heard of this level of illness? Of course, I come back to Toxichouse, no report card. Unfuckingbelievable.

St.Francis this am, core training this pm. Good. At least I got something good accomplished.

Now, what I don't get is: It bogarts the report card. No positive reinforcement if he did well, no consequences if he didn't. So what's the point? Sick bitch. Makes my parenting that much more difficult.

Fucking marriage sucks. Remind me to throw myself upon the priest/minister/rabbi/justice of the peace/Elvis impersonator, if I ever pass by a wedding ceremony. Tackle the motherfucker.

***jwtdo: who texts me: Football dad George. Did 25 mins on the dreadmill. Bless him.

something different

refusing to age gracefully, I decided to throw a monkey wrench in the works.

St.Francis daily was good, but hit a wall-plateau'd. Was getting really good @ 6.5, but my 5k and 10k times suuuuuucked. So, did the last membership meeting, what do my ears come upon: track workouts starting again! Ok, let's give this a shot.

@ least I'd get to sleep in, no pre dawn run this am.

Made it to the track, parking was impossible, but hey, when you get there stupid early.

Was a bit concerned: POURED rain, but it let up. Typical summer bullshit, one minute dark and downpour, next minute sunny and hotttttt/humid.

Didn't know what to expect, other than I'd be the slowest of the group. I saw who showed and wondered whatthefuck do THEY need track workouts for?

I held my own, on the they lapped me-but if it took me 4 laps to complete their 3, I wasn't THAT far off.

I DID ask that I NOT be told my times. I didn't wanna get disheartened. So, coach didn't. He DID say I was consistent (heard THAT before???) and that I did what he expected me to. OK, I'll take it.

It's ok if my times don't improve. But I'll be damned if I don't try. At least when you fail, you gave it a shot. Gotta try.

Pays to have your brass balls meet feelings of intimidation. Glad I did.

hot as a_____________

FINALY got the a/c on @ the job, prob is: when you venture out: OUCH!!! Not really THAT hot, but comparitively speaking, ouch!!!

St.Francis this am, needed/wanted the miles. Tomorrow track workouts begin. Stop laughing.

Checked my Massapequa time vs. my time last year: exactly the same. Wow. And this year I stopped, literally 200m from the finish-was making a point. Is that too funny or what? Hey, I'm consistent.

Was seriously tempted to do St.Francis in the am n' track in the evening, but gotta leave something in the tank.

New Neil Young box is AMAZING. And this is the first of 3. Can you imagine. 8 discs with 2 more sets to come. Yummmmmm.


...when you see him in the subway he'll be down at the end of the car. Watchin' ya' move until he knows he knows who you are. Nothing can free him. Know when you see him. Step aside, open wide. It's the loner.

Sunday Sunday

Tom called, asked if I was interested in spin class. Perfect. The Massapequa run isn't 'til 5, gotta leave something in the tank, cool. Only prob: due to the holiday weekend, it's @ 10:30. Not much recovery time. Still, can't pass up a challenge.

Did the class, tough. The instructor is an ultramarathoner, and the class is 60 mins as opposed to the 45 I'm used to. GREAT class. Hope I don't die tonight. Massapequa is traditionally hot as a mother.

Keith: staying with his brother from another mother. Shebitch outside soaking up the sun. Yes. Cancer is back and.....Really, you DO reap what you sow.

Did the Massapequa race, CRUCIAL miscalculation. Got there early enough to park not too far from the start, so far so good. Picked up my number, ok. Had packed 2 bagels n' bananas. Had the bagels, tore open each of 4 bananas= hard as nails!!! Might ripen by december. So, on a hot night, hadda do the race on a pretty empty stomach. Did ok. Glad I did the run, but had nothing. Zip. Bupkis. This one's a howl though, sorta like yesterday's, except this one has been held for years. So many people didn't see D until I got passed. Good. Had it coming.

Now, if I was smart either a)I wouldn't do back to back races
b)I'd take a rest day
c)wouldn't have done the spin class
d)I'd eat like a normal person.
But those wouldn't be any fun, would they? I can honestly say, if I had the chance to do it all over again, I'd do EXACTLY as I did.

Happy Sunday!

change is __________

depends on who you are and what you experience. Today, change is good.

Usually do the Bellmore 4m, but I'm sick of the s.o.s. There was a first time 5k, so did that one. Really needed to log more St.Francis miles, but what we lack in distance we make up for in speed.

Nice and flat, but hot. Figured I'd be in stealth mode, almost didn't wear the colors, glad I did. One guy tags me and asks about the local clubs etc...recognized AP. Then bumped into D. Figured the drive to Oakdale'd be prohibitive, but glad for the peep. Helped keep a good pace, I would'a enjoyed the run more yes, but speed matters. Glad we did it together. Of course, with runner's low self esteem, I wanted to ask in the beginning if we could run as a pair, but figured no, I'd be too slow. Funny how things work out. Upside of not giving a fuck about pace-when you do well it's gravy.

Guess the usual suspects did the Bellmore run, they missed out big, this Oakdale thing was really cool. Real Mayberry scene. The kind of races they have in the Hamptons. Also glad D was there, neither of us won raffles-I would'a felt singled out if I were the only one.

Def putting this one in the rotation.

On the way to Toxichouse, caught Whatever Works-the new Woody Allen flick. VERY good. Woody's back. Nice to hear an entire theater laughing. Then back to Toxichouse-empty. It took Keith to our former friends, where he can witness my name being dragged through the mud. Joy joy.

tgi_____

another week for the books, and another week closer to "here we go again," the big C and all the dysfunction that comes with it.

Off day/rest day. Manana 5k, Sun 5k. Sun am, spin.

Actually made it through a day without rain, would'a been cool, BUT, Pret was off, didn't tell me, I could'a run with. Nice. Ships passing...........

Tomorrow, It and Keith go for a 4th of July bbq @ former friends. "Former" because they believe It's bullshit, hence, it was made very clear I'm not welcome there. Nice, real nice. Good to be appreciated. Why do I put up with it? If you had a child you wouldn't ask. If you'd have to pay half your earnings in alimony, you wouldn't ask. It sucks. It hurts. Hurts bad. Imagine all your friends (and family) believing you're satan. Happy 4th.

rain rain go away

St.Francis this am, escaped unscathed, dry.

Bored meeting tonight, rain started. Had called Keith earlier in the afternoon to tell him to close the windows.

Membership meeting after, so far so good, HEAVY downpours, but all is well, Keith closed the windows.

Great meeting, I was shocked. Was great to see my peeps, most of them anyway. After they went for ice cream, I hadda go back to Toxichouse, major error. Should'a gone with them.

Shebitch had opened the bedroom windows, so of course I came home to puddles INSIDE. And IT has the tits to chew Keith out for not closing them-which he had.

Amazing. Fucking amazing. Fuck me. Nice to know I pay a mortgage to have internal sabotage.

How's YOUR summer?

St.Francis + in the am, total 8, then core training tonight. Work that body!!!

Asked that question in view of Spike.

Shebitch is out all day, then goes to a party tonight. He's left. Alone. Unattended. Not asked if he wants to tag along. The original latch key kid. But yet it portrays Itself as uber mother. Amazing. Helluva summer vaca eh?

Re: the Big C. Imagine your entire life living around one issue. Your entire being being sent down a black hole of anger and mental instability. There you have it. Joy joy. Thank G for running.