Day 1768

IthinkIcanIthinkIcanIthinkIcanIthinkIcan

Ok, rough night. Stoney doing what peeps his age do, with the exception of getting pissed when I asked him to quiet down. Result, barely slept. NOT the best way to take an important exam.

Woke up, what do I see? SNOW!!!!! MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!!!! Best of all, as I headed closer to the test site, MORE snow. FUCK.

Truly, nothing I do is easy.

We'll see how I did, dunno. Can't judge, and refuse to project. I'm not THAT kinda stupid....anymore......much. What slays me: I havta wait an hour until I call for the results. Yes, I'm worried. Alot rests on this.

Day 1767

Progress, part 2

Ok, did the 15k-without walk breaks. Good.

Didn't get Its tax info-of course. why should this year be different from any other? Fucking moron. So yes, hadda (again) reschedule the tax app't. This mental patient really cannot accomplish anything of any consequence. EVERY year getting Its tax info is a battle-insists on bogarting the mail, then can't find where It put it. Much easier to drag my name through the dirt and constantly take my inventory. It breezed in for less than an hour yesterday, asked a bunch of nuisance questions (did you see_______which was directly in front of Its face), interrupting my studying. Fuckin' ZERO class or discretion. Be nice to ummm......what's the word...BE SUPPORTIVE rather than intrusive.

Took another practice exam. did ok-it's a 3 hour test I did in an hour (library was closing). The first 2 I took (you need to submit 2 to complete the course) were 26 and 21-horrible, but I clicked on anything just to get them done-like a monkey @ a typewriter. Yesterday I actually tried, and got through 100 or 150 questions without hurrying. The last 50? I hadda fuck around due to time. Moral: there is hope.

Unfortunately, I did the chapter quizzed and bombed miserably-ouch.

Today, finish reading the book and study more. Gotta do this.

Day 1766

Progress, sorta.

Did King's Park-why? Last year it was the day of the NYC Half, and with this week's sched-HADDA do SOMETHING to stay in the groove.

Did ok, didn't walk any of the infamous hills-though I DID walk through water stops. Considering I didn't run all week, I didn't totally suck. Maybe THAT was the secret-I was literally running myself into the ground.

Now, on with the studying!

And yes, It STILL doesn't have the tax info, fucking makin' me NUTS. Getting ANYTHING accomplished there is a fuckin' battle.

Day 1765

Good news: got SOME studying done.

Bad news: not nearly enough.

With Stoney being Stoney it's tough to focus @ Toxichouse-he's playing with his pc, hangin' w/his peeps, pulling all nighters etc...makes it hard to study or actually sleep. He's really a wonderful person, but humans make noise, it DOES happen, so to expect peace and quiet isn't realistic. Makes accomplishing what I gotta real tough.

But, gotta do it, hence, the library. Thank GOD!

Manana, 15k, VERY hilly, but with nothing but focusing on what I gotta get done this week, REALLY need this race.

Day 1764

Another day

Not running nor working out is killing me (thank GOD I signed up for a 15k this weekend. One I swore I'd never do, but I need the challenge. Regardless of the outcome, I need it). BUT, unemployment is a faster death, so.......attending the training to take the test for the insurance licensure. Took 2 practice tests, bombed horribly. Hope this works, it has to.

And again, God took care of me. Again, who do I see @ the computer next to me in the library (conveniently across the parking lot from the training)  ? Again, my running elder peep. Nice.

Day 1763

Progress?

Made it through the first day of class to take the insurance exam. Intense, alotta information. The instructor is very good, very honest, as in: "this is what you need to know for the test..." Also, hit the nail on the head when he said it's easier if you're younger. True 'dat. But the young'uns don't have what I do to lose-they lack lil things like a mortgage etc...

Hoping to do ok, I make it through this and I'll be ok.

*And no, you can't hide. Across the parking area in the office complex is a library. To effectively use my time, I cruised in to use the computers. Lo and behold, who sits @ the computer across from me? A running peep! George Devoe!!!!!!! How cool was it to-again-have a peep wherever I turn?

Day 1762

But wait! It gets better!!!!!

After all the bullshit yesterday, I come in, my mail's opened!!!!!!! Ahhhhh, there's no place like home. Nice to come in to a warm nurturing environment where an 18 year old thinks he's the homeowner.

Got smoke?

Best of all, he'll never ever know how much he hurts me. For years, my needs have been off the grid, why? It's called BEING A PARENT. While It goes to teach about JEEEEESUS, I'm running to take care of myself, to earn, to provide a house. What do I get in return? Does It clean/cook/act as a spouse? Nope. It finds every excuse to go out (religion, 12 step shit, "friends") while lifting not a finger in the house, hence "Toxichouse."

The difference? I don't whine/displace/blame others. I AM hurt that It can't take even the smallest level of responsibility for anything. Yet doesn't hesitate to be a professional victim. If It's groupies were truly "friends" they'd call It on Its shit. Rather, they tell It what It wants to hear. Real healthy.

Fortunately, I'm not alone. Even the peep It hooked me up with for a gig goes through exactly the same shit. He puts in 70+ hour weeks, HIS 'roid rages that he can't devote Sunday's for their "to do" list. Amazing. At least HE has a clean home, and he gets his mail. Here? I'm shit. But I continue, I must. "For better for worse, in good times and in bad."

What irks me, I do my part. I'm the only one. Each am I wake up, did anyone pick up dog shit? Wash a dish? Nope, rather, It BURSTS in, screams about something or other, then raises the volume on the television (must have it on of course) and finds something to get pissed about.

Notice, nowhere in the mix is "how was your day?" Or any cleaning, cooking, not a single positive comment. Much less, ummm, WALKING THE DOG THEY WANTED.

Amazing, but it makes perfect sense, I'm Satan remember.

Note the time, Stoney was still awake when last I checked.

Truly amazing.

Love him more than anything, that's why it hurts so much to have him behave like this. He truly believes I'm bad cop.

Day 1761

THAT hurt

Like I don't have enough shit? Yesterday I come across papers It wrote, portraying Itself as a victim, me of course Satan. Questioning Its choice in marriage-as in: should'a married one of the others (queen of should'a, could'a, would'a), of course feeding off It's main peep claiming "He was always rude." That shit really hurts. Great to be judged isn't it? (really working that program-"don't take inventories," yet I seem the main subject don't I? Easier than looking @ yourself.) Not to mention the usual: claiming I disconnected the phone to isolate It from Its son-never mind I was working/eliminating our debt/assuring Keith got to school. That counts for nothing. Likewise, not to mention my efforts kept us in a home in which It lifts not a finger. It uses It's main peep from Back in the Days-who never had a career, yet does a great job as a wife and homemaker-AND finds ways to earn. What does It do? Plays the victim really well, and when I need It most? Furthers Its victim stance.

So, how is this unusual? Not at all, except for the fact that @ 2:33am (yes Virginia, you read that right) our son awakens me to break my balls about leftover pizza. Yes, you read that right. Does It call him to task for waking me up, let alone getting pissed about leftovers???????? Nope. wonder what Jeeeeeeesus would do? Yep, go teach religion, don't clean you house or act as a wife to your husband. BUT, feel free to take his inventory constantly, and run him down to all your groupies. Good wife, real good wife-as husband struggles to keep everything afloat It tears me a new one. Really makes me feel good.

***i.e. last week, It fed cold cuts to the dog. Remember, if I TOUCH anything in the fridge, SWAT is called. But the dog gets leftovers. Tell THAT to your main peep.

Wonder what It's peep would do? Call their children to task. Me? Satan, nothing.

God it isn't easy.

BUT, God took care of me. I gave Keith $6 to cover the pizza, best to shut him up, but I had a coupon for $10 off a purchase of $10 or more. Nice. The way I figure it, I'm in the black. Thanks God.
REALLY needed it.

I can't BELIEVE It truly believes It's a victim? Basically claiming I behaved differently prior to marriage. I'm nothing if not consistent, but it's much easier to avoid responsibility by being a victim.

Another nugget: It claims I'm a horrible father as I told It I couldn't care for Keith. Now let that sink in. While It was in the hospital, who made sure ALL was attended to? Who made sure he missed not a nanosecond of school? While It allowed him to miss school basically whenever he wanted. I assured ALL was done. But according to It, I shirked parental responsibilities??????? Right, I went to the beach with my friends to work on my tan, after my cancer diagnosis.

When I need It, It-of course-fails.

When I need Keith, he goes off, big time.

Fuck me.

All I wanted since before saying "I do" is for It to be happy. What transpired was cancer-like I caused that? Thereafter, MY job enabling Its recovery. Horrible ain't I? If not for MY benefits, It'd be dead. Good thing Satan had HIP.

Likewise Stoney: told him this am (@ approximately 2:38am), all I want is his happiness. Remember, this is the same individual who FREAKED that I (gasp!) washed dishes @ 6am-making "noise," yet it's ok to wake up your father because of leftovers?????????

FUCK me!

Day 1760

Not bad

Did the 1/2 in Flushing Meadows. Ran 10 strong, the last 5k not so much, but did well. Knowing I hadda boogie asap after to make my dentist app't didn't hurt. Good motivation.

Bumped into a GLIRC peep @ the start, later around the 6m mark. He petered out, went out too fast and didn't have the stamina for a half. Hey, he was there, all that counts. Also, a nyrr peep who left them was there working the race, former volunteer coordinator. Made it a point to grab me and give a shout. Really nice to have unforeseen peeps!

Of course, I get back to Toxichouse, "did you have a run today?" Fucking clueless (this from the same person who-the day of The marathon, asked if I had plans for the day). It's groupies are more important than Its husband-yet-It points to their opinions whenever It needs to shirk responsibility, i.e. "my friends all say....."

Yet, do I have Its tax info? Of course not, It only had a FUCKING YEAR to get it, and has it lost in one of the 2 cars it has wrecked. This from the same person who got one car booted for unpaid tickets. After all this shit, It asks "what did I do last year?" Fucking shipwreck. Best of all, what It fails to realize, MY doing the taxes allows It to avoid paying on Its disability. Remember, It has ZERO taken out! What a FUCKING shipwreck. Later, It has the balls to tell me "check yourself."

So, what have we learned? Running, easy. everything else, not so much.

*And yes, that means in the span of 5 hours I ran a half marathon, had a tooth pulled, and went to get the taxes done.

Get a thank you? Nope. Rather "check yourself." And yes, It went to church (yay Jeeeeeeesus!).

Day 1759

Moron

It has all year to accomplish one simple goal: get the Social Security disability info, for me to get the household taxes done. Remember, they SEND this fucking information to you. Do I have it? No, can't find it in the pile of shit it calls TWO CARS. Now remember, ALL my mail gets opened, bills It doesn't pay get PLASTERED TO THE FRIDGE, YET It can't remember one simple fucking piece of paper????? You STILL think I jest when I tell ya what a mess this Psycho is? Best of all? It goes to CHURCH for 2 hours yesterday!!!!!!! Look for the papers? Nope, hide from reality using JEEEEESUS as an excuse? Yep. Fucking moron.

AND, remember, It has NO $$$ deducted, translation, It will have to pay.

Amazing isn't it.

Me? This am, 1/2 in Flushing Meadows. Translation: 2 1/2 hours of peace. Then, dentist-extraction #2.

Nice e mail yesterday. Peeps @ the old gig wanna go out to dinner. Nice to leave on good terms.

Day 1758

TGI?

When you're unemployed, does "Friday" even matter?

Going out for another day of training, a ride along. Good to have this opportunity. The other gig I applied for pays $20,000. After tax, $17,000. Hey, a gig is a gig, but... wow. How the mighty have fallen.

Manana, the 1/2 in Flushing Meadows. Can't dilly-daddle (yes, I used that phrase,) gotta be @ the dentist @ 12:30. Race starts @ 9. Tight, but do-able.

And yes, tomorrow, taxes, and YES, STILL waiting for It's Social Security info. fucking moron. Has a year to get this shit, breaks my balls for a copy of MY taxes, but can't accomplish this simple goal.

Day 1757

THAT didn't hurt (much)

Did the dentist thing. WANTED to have 2 teeth they determined hadda go, pulled, but they can't 2 in 1 day (Sybil had 2, but they must've been together). So, had one pulled, and a filling (the filling that-15 years ago-was put in as a temp, which popped out asap). The good news? In n' out in 15 mins. The bad news: I didn't ask nor was given painkillers. After making a big deal about Its anniversary (after self medicating w/sleeping pills during the Avon days), It demanded/requested Vicodin after Its extractions-nice sobriety, but, whatever. With that as my example, I didn't ask. Man up damnit!

So, one visit yesterday, another after Saturday's half. Pushing the time factor-also, imagine a tooth extraction after running 13.1? Jeeeeeez, but, man up.

So, did the dental thing, THEN the vision thing (all this crap I ignored when I was working). Turns out I'm entitled to 2 pairs. They, of course, asked why I'd waited so long between visits. Ummm, because I don't think the world revolves around my selfish needs, because I was hired to render a service to the taxpayers? Of course I was thanked for years of uninterrupted service in an odd way, but I wouldn't be me if I'd put myself first. Not the reason we're put on the planet.

Saturday, taxes, grrrrr. Of course, NO help on the domestic front-been asking for centuries for their tax information, one more day to go. Remember, they had no problem tearing me a new one-demanding copies of the taxes-purely to break my stones. Rather than offer to get the taxes done, DEMAND copies. Right.

Day 1756

Back on track-almost.

Another day @ the new gig, had second interview w/office manager. Went well, really motivated people-a genuinely nice guy as well. Made plans to send me for training. they invest in the cost of training you, so you in turn generate income. Smart business. Went for the rest of the day on the ride along, or as they call it "demo day," a lot of footwork. This gig is not for they that have rejection issues, you do a lot of cold calling. But, it's worth it if you have the stamina.

Re: what goes around. Dentist was willing to back date to accommodate my needs, I declined indicating "what goes around." Lo and behold, got the "termination info" from my gig, joy joy, and it indicated we have benefits until 4-3. Thanks God!

Day 1755

Day one, check.

Went for an interview, sales, looks promising. Had me ride with an agent, today the same-get to know how things work. Good to have an opportunity!

Running? I wish, had to settle for a Pilates class. My sched is a bit...unsettled, that + sub freezing (again, yuch!). Priorities kiddies, priorities!

Day 1754

Deja vu

2 weeks ago, was scheduled for an interview for an insurance gig. Guy didn't show, rescheduled for this am. We'll see.

Left knee achy from yesterday, but all in all, glad I did 2:17. Subtracting 5 minutes for Boathouse restroom, and 3 minutes for water stops, I did well. Did exactly what I set out to do (anything under 2:30). If I wanted to push it, I'd run this am, but fortunately, sub freezing. Good. Need to rest. Weights + Pilates tonight.

Day 1753

Did the NYC Half, did ok. Nothing to write home about, but with absolutely zero support, no encouragement, and a home front that does all it can to subvert my efforts, I finished. Good for me. Walked through the water stops, but really didn't need to take walk breaks-a good thing. Thinkin' the cross-training didn't hurt matters. The first 7 miles involved a loop of Central Park. THAT was rough-and-COLD!

Now, let's see what the rest of the week brings.

Manana I have a 9am interview, the one I was supposed to have last week. Hope it happens. Unemployment REALLY sucks.

Day 1752

Baby steps.

Made it through another week, still have a roof over my head. Still sucks feeling like I'm not contributing. Of course this disregards 20+ years of going solo, paying each fucking bill unassisted. Worst-not even a thank you, rather, It feels It has the right to shit on me because It has FEELINGS. Really makes a guy feel good. So, what to do? Get what you need elsewhere. Couldn't run yesterday-too fucking cold, so got my affairs in order, at least guaranteeing another month of domesticity.

Now, remember, It FREAKS if I move an item in the cabinet? My shit in the den was moved around so It could get Its precious chaise lounge to tan. Yes, you read correctly. A cancer survivor, tanning. a SKIN cancer survivor, tanning. Much less moving my shit. So what have we learned?

It can do whatever It chooses, but the rest of us (me) must do Its bidding.

Fuck me.

Manana, the NYC Half. Considering what I live with, why the FUCK should I rush? It really IS the only peace I get.

Really burns me that I actually was...what's the word...DEDICATED. Haven't called in since 1990, can't remember a vacation, never late. And my thanks? Told to fall ion my sword. If I hadda do it all over again, I would do EXACTLY the same. I must live up to my own standards, nothing less.

Day 1751

A nothing day?

WANTED to hit The Line. Was S'POSED to be in the 40's. BUT, in the am, still sub 30. Fuck that. Also, didn't leave until 8+, so, didn't even gym it. Went to pick up my # for The Half, then chilled for the rest of the day. My knees thank me but, I feel like I accomplished nothing.

Did the routine "between jobs" crap-a.k.a. cashing out my insurance. Felt like shit doing so-if anything happens to me, Stoney is F U C K E D. But, with the stirring motivation Shebitch gave yesterday, raging the day of Its departure for a retreat (THAT'S what JEEEESUS would do???), I frankly don't give a shit.

Thank GOD I was smart enough to NOT listen to It, a.k.a. kept putting aside $ just in case. If I'd listened to It, we'd be on the street.

Do I get any thanks? Rather, I get-literally-SCREAMED at. Fucking useless as a mother (Stoney has chips and frozen pizza while It takes care of Its spiritual needs), useless as a wife, useFUL as a victim. Really reinforces what I've known all along-I'm on my own.

Day 1750

Did ok!

Was s'posed to be a light coating of snow, but nothing. Rather: back to bone chilling cold. No prob, did Spin + Pilates. Feel good. Knee achy, but manana is s'posed to be in the low 40's! Gotta love that! So, get my miles manana!

Today, interview for a gig @ 1pm. We'll see. Good to have hope. This unemployment SUCKS!

*Wasn't an interview at all. More like a cattle call. Best of all, when I get in, It tears me a new one!!!!! Really motivating me! It seems to think It has the right to kick the breadwinner in the balls. Enjoy your benefits while you have them, without me, nothing. Nice way to treat the gravy train. You REALLY should'a heard the spew that came from It. Best of all, tonight It leaves for a retreat! FROM WHAT???? Since 2002 It's been a professional victim.

Really makes a guy feel good don't it? Useless as a homemaker, wife, basic support. UseFUL as a total bitch.

Day 1749

Yin/Yang

Went to do a test for assessment for a gig, got out, parking ticket. SHIIIIIIT! Fortunately, this came AFTER getting my miles + a Spin class.

NOTHING I do is easy. Nothing.

Day 1748

Better day

Yesterday was tough. Full day with my travel times n' the gym NOT syncing. Though I got re-grounded-got my run in, I just missed yoga-needed it. Still a good day, but too much free time, unemployment sucks.

This day will be overstuffed. Temps are FUCKING PERFECT for a run, then the gym. Tonight a concert. THANK YOU GOD. Need this.

Day 1747

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Got my run in! FINALLY!!!!! The downside, part of The Line still icy, so hadda take a short walk, but no more than 5 seconds. Felt as though the planets were again in line. Nice.

Funny how a good run makes all else even out.

STILL feeling like a slug: despite working out (biceps looking good!) + running, feel like I'm not contributing. Of course this completely disregards years of paying the mortgage, all the bills, keeping the place afloat. That, in addition to seeing the posting for what is now my FORMER gig...hurts.

Day 1746

Not TOO bad

Did the 5m in Forest Park.

1)Didn't TOTALLY suck. Tough running, very hilly, but only 3 walk breaks. Did ok, there WERE people behind me, didn't come in last.

2)FOUND the start. Remember I'd wanted to do one of their Forest Park races, only to never find the start line? Today I did, did ok.

Didn't get there @ my usual predawn time, and even that worked out. With daylight savings, I was an hour later than I usually am, but it wasn't a factor. Got a great parking spot, met some peeps, did well.

Not a bad day.

Unemployment STILL sucks.

Day 1745

Nice, but

BEAUTIFUL weather, AFTER 9am, before: subfreezing. So, between manana's 5m race and not wanting to kill myself, gym'd it. Did Spin + weights. Knee feeling good with all the crosstraining, but my head needs to run.

Downside, manana's race is 2 loops, damn. Oh well, prereg + it's a Queens race=gotta do it.

Unemployment sucks.

Day 1744

Deja vu.

Here we go again. Back to selling me, not a bad product, but a drag @ this stage of the game. 9am interview. We'll see.

Day 1743

Made it through another day!

REALLY adjusting. The good part: all that crap I'd wished I'd had time for, I now do. The downside, don't have the $$$ to do what I wanna, but hey, we had a great ride for a while.

Did a class a never did (with THIS instructor); Pilates. Remember I used to do it with another, but that class became a drag. So, this am (with the bone chilling cold), did Spin then Pilates. This pm, went back to ellip. Now I'm just tired enough to not be anxiety riddled.

Feeling good.


Interview scheduled for manana am. Hope hope hope.

Day 1742

Times like these


demand a supportive spouse, not The Inquisitor. "Did you..." benefits, etc.......It can't seem to internalize I should get a fucking award for keeping us in a home, let alone Its precious motherfucking benefits.

Does It cook? Clean? What do I get from this? Anxiety and interrogation. Other than that, not a motherfucking thing. Fucking useless bitch. did it EVER contribute? When I told It to join aarp for the bennies, did It? No, easier to harass me.

And of course, NOW Stoney needs glasses. Must be for the glaucoma.

Day 1741

Then the OTHER shoe dropped.

WAS feeling good, seeing my 401k would keep us from losing the house, when...WHEN...Bitch enters. STILL ranting about when It was hospitalized, STILL disregarding the house was PERFECT/all bills paid, Keith not missing a day of school. No, instead, I disconnected the phone.....kept It from Its son..... all sorts of psycho shit. Really motivating me to move forward. Really a Good Wife in time of need. Fucking useless.

Me? I'm thrilled I did what needed to be done. Fuck the opinions of others.

Day 1740

A better day/nothing is ever as bad as it seems.

Finally took the plunge. After doing the "procrastination" thing-hiding my head in the sand for 10 days, hadda take the bull by the horns and check my finances. Well, we MIGHT not lose the house-always a good thing. The rest of the bills? Dunno, but the house appears ok.

Unemployment sucks.

Day 1739

Sucked, but not so much.

Did the 5k this am, VERY hilly, but I finished. didn't break 10, but I'm glad I did it.

Former peep was there, the one who was pissed I actually went to a concert w/o 'em. Looked lost, like I felt.

Got my green bagels!

Tonight, snow, SUUUUCKS.

Of course, Ms. "hindsight is 20/20" couldn't resist the chance to kick a dog when he's down-breaking my balls about my vehicle.

GOD this sucks.

Day 1738

Called it!

Kick a dog when he's down. Psychobitch is on a rant. "you have to...."   "you must..." freaking because there'll be a gap in benefits. DUH! Cobra costs as much as the mortgage. We can either have a place to live, or we can have benefits. and of course this all comes with The Litany: "you never visited..."   "you disconnected the phone..." It seems to forget when It was in the hospital, who eliminated all our debts? Who managed the house (and left it for It spotless and in order?)? Who cared for our son? Amazing. Fucking psycho. Really motivates.